Note: I have struggled all afternoon about what I am going to write. Even now there is a good chance this won't ever make it past "draft" status. What I am about to share with you is more on the personal side than I would generally post to my blog. I can't promise it will entertain or be nearly as moving as it felt.
My day was progressing quite nicely. As I usually do on Sunday, my morning began with coffee and coffee cake from Starbucks. My routine takes me there within about five minutes of my being awake. I can only wonder at what the employees think when they see me pull up. Hair everywhere, droopy eyelids from sleep, and pj bottoms to cover the naughty bits. They may wonder at my dress, but I marvel at their cheery attitude. They MUST be hitting the espresso prior to my weekly arrival.
After Starbucks made its way into my blood, I started the tasks I needed to get done today. This was mostly unpacking boxes, but there are a group of boxes that I needed to unpack and then re-pack. These ten or so boxes consist of things I got after my father passed away. I have looked through a few, but the emotions this evokes are quite often more than I feel like dealing with. Today, I was going to conquer my fear and just do it.
For a little backstory that will help those of you who don't know me understand: My father passed away back in September of 1999. God... has it really been seven years? I was very fortunate to come from a loving home, and his death was especially hard on me. I loved both my parents very much and when this happened, the thirty days in the hospital were not enough time for me to come to grips with the event. I don't know if any length of time would have been enough. That day... was the worst day of my life. Some days in the future may rival it, but none shall surpass.
While I am a "heart on my sleeve" type of person, when it come to grief I bury it. Put it away in the furthest reaches of my heart and hope to never have to look at it again. I was there for my family, and they for me through this. Since I am blessed with friends who are unbelievable, they made it to Maryland to be with me. This is something that helped more than I can ever express to them.
That being said, I still miss my Dad. Greatly.
Today as I unpacked and re-packed I was confronted with memories and photos that did what I anticipated. They stirred the feelings I had tried to lock away for the last seven years. This time was different though. I found myself smiling at the history playing out before me. While the hurt was still there, I found myself enjoying the places the pictures were taking me. As I put countless photo albums into new boxes I took the time to flip through several.
I came across one that had my parents in San Diego visiting my Uncle. While flipping through the fabulous pictures, some papers dropped from the back of the album onto my lap. As I examined these papers, I realized that it was a log that Dad kept while on the vacation. I scanned it quickly and noted it was about 12-15 pages long. I took the log to my recliner and set out to read what was there.
Not to make light of what I am describing, but if at the end of any entry it had mentioned any kind of "relations" between my parents, I was prepared to throw up.
About mid-way through the first page, I realized this might be the first thing I had ever read that was authored by my father. What a treasure to have discovered this. Another thing that struck me was how similar the writing style was to my own. If I had lived it, this is something I could have written. I don't know why, but that fact touched me deeply in a way that I am unable to describe. It just did.
As I read on from day to day, little things were thrown in that gave me context to what was happening in my life at the time. This was written in September of 1995. Apparently while they were in SD, I had called to let them know that I had proposed to Ann. There wasn't more than a line or two about it, but given how that worked out, more than a line was not justified. I guess Dad saw something in the relationship that I did not.
One thing that made me do a double take was the description of their trip down the Mexico coast. On their way back, they stopped at the Rosarito Beach Resort to take in the historical landmark. What made this surprising was that about four years later I stayed at this same hotel. I know that doesn't sound significant, but after a loved one has passed, it is the little things that seem to carry all of the weight.
As the pages I had read began to stack higher than the ones left I found myself wishing it wouldn't end. These few pages that had been tucked away all these years made me feel like he wasn't so far away. I didn't want it to end.... but it eventually did.
After reading the log I went back to looking at the pictures that accompanied it. I smiled. I laughed. Tears came up hear and there.
I finished and sat in silence. Sat in silence thanking my Dad for taking the time to write all this down. It was a gift that I received 11 years later. A simple one, but a gift that holds more meaning than anything else I own.
Thanks Dad... I miss you.
--Your Son
Here is a picture of my father and I ten years ago.
My day was progressing quite nicely. As I usually do on Sunday, my morning began with coffee and coffee cake from Starbucks. My routine takes me there within about five minutes of my being awake. I can only wonder at what the employees think when they see me pull up. Hair everywhere, droopy eyelids from sleep, and pj bottoms to cover the naughty bits. They may wonder at my dress, but I marvel at their cheery attitude. They MUST be hitting the espresso prior to my weekly arrival.
After Starbucks made its way into my blood, I started the tasks I needed to get done today. This was mostly unpacking boxes, but there are a group of boxes that I needed to unpack and then re-pack. These ten or so boxes consist of things I got after my father passed away. I have looked through a few, but the emotions this evokes are quite often more than I feel like dealing with. Today, I was going to conquer my fear and just do it.
For a little backstory that will help those of you who don't know me understand: My father passed away back in September of 1999. God... has it really been seven years? I was very fortunate to come from a loving home, and his death was especially hard on me. I loved both my parents very much and when this happened, the thirty days in the hospital were not enough time for me to come to grips with the event. I don't know if any length of time would have been enough. That day... was the worst day of my life. Some days in the future may rival it, but none shall surpass.
While I am a "heart on my sleeve" type of person, when it come to grief I bury it. Put it away in the furthest reaches of my heart and hope to never have to look at it again. I was there for my family, and they for me through this. Since I am blessed with friends who are unbelievable, they made it to Maryland to be with me. This is something that helped more than I can ever express to them.
That being said, I still miss my Dad. Greatly.
Today as I unpacked and re-packed I was confronted with memories and photos that did what I anticipated. They stirred the feelings I had tried to lock away for the last seven years. This time was different though. I found myself smiling at the history playing out before me. While the hurt was still there, I found myself enjoying the places the pictures were taking me. As I put countless photo albums into new boxes I took the time to flip through several.
I came across one that had my parents in San Diego visiting my Uncle. While flipping through the fabulous pictures, some papers dropped from the back of the album onto my lap. As I examined these papers, I realized that it was a log that Dad kept while on the vacation. I scanned it quickly and noted it was about 12-15 pages long. I took the log to my recliner and set out to read what was there.
Not to make light of what I am describing, but if at the end of any entry it had mentioned any kind of "relations" between my parents, I was prepared to throw up.
About mid-way through the first page, I realized this might be the first thing I had ever read that was authored by my father. What a treasure to have discovered this. Another thing that struck me was how similar the writing style was to my own. If I had lived it, this is something I could have written. I don't know why, but that fact touched me deeply in a way that I am unable to describe. It just did.
As I read on from day to day, little things were thrown in that gave me context to what was happening in my life at the time. This was written in September of 1995. Apparently while they were in SD, I had called to let them know that I had proposed to Ann. There wasn't more than a line or two about it, but given how that worked out, more than a line was not justified. I guess Dad saw something in the relationship that I did not.
One thing that made me do a double take was the description of their trip down the Mexico coast. On their way back, they stopped at the Rosarito Beach Resort to take in the historical landmark. What made this surprising was that about four years later I stayed at this same hotel. I know that doesn't sound significant, but after a loved one has passed, it is the little things that seem to carry all of the weight.
As the pages I had read began to stack higher than the ones left I found myself wishing it wouldn't end. These few pages that had been tucked away all these years made me feel like he wasn't so far away. I didn't want it to end.... but it eventually did.
After reading the log I went back to looking at the pictures that accompanied it. I smiled. I laughed. Tears came up hear and there.
I finished and sat in silence. Sat in silence thanking my Dad for taking the time to write all this down. It was a gift that I received 11 years later. A simple one, but a gift that holds more meaning than anything else I own.
Thanks Dad... I miss you.
--Your Son
Here is a picture of my father and I ten years ago.
Comments
I have never felt such extreme desperation and loneliness in my life. But at the same time I was the happiest I have ever been just knowing that she was in a better place. I know your dad is too.
I luv ya, man. :)